Dottie

Jane reached into the cage and lifted Dottie out and all we heard was this loud purring.

And so we took her home of course, because that’s what we want in a cat.

But Dottie was traumatised. She cringed at the slightest movement of a hand passing over her. She struggled to settle and be loved. She obviously wanted to be the only cat in the house.

We discovered that the last few vertebrae in her spine were fused. Her tail was deformed but not through injury, she was born that way. The adoption agency told us that she had been abandoned by her owners when they moved away.

What a start to a tiny little life.

And Dottie carries all of that and just is, that’s how life is for her. She has no one to talk to. No therapist, no counselor, life goes on in this perpetual tension of fear and need for affection.

Which got me thinking – we humans have the capacity to express ourselves. We can explore our feelings and emotions, talk to someone about our fears, our hopes and aspirations. But it is so hard!  Why don’t we trust others, why don’t we feel safe?

And then, something shifted in Dottie and her behaviours changed. She began to creep up onto our bed in the morning to cuddle up close. This when our bed had been the major source of conflict in the house, as though the cat that has the bed is favoured or loved. Maybe it was just cat jealousy. She started coming onto my lap whenever she found me sitting relaxing.

The question for me was – what was happening, who changed, me or the cat or both?

Perhaps all that we had done was be there, always! Reliably making space for Dottie, not pushing her away, not getting irritated so that eventually, one day in her mind she decided it’s okay,  I‘m safe with him.

Dottie’s journey got me thinking about the interactions between us, our fragile relationships, especially those that are  close.  Being present for someone else  is a necessary element of all real connection.

This reminded me of something that I read in The Marginalian* on the Qualities of a healthy mind and a healthy relationship:

“All trust is, in a sense, a handshake of predictability, and every breach of trust is devastating precisely because the other person has unpredictably withdrawn their hand”

“A sign of healthy love, therefore, is the ability to be reliable and responsible with — which is different from being responsible for — the thoughts and feelings and hopes and fears of the other.”

This may be one of the most difficult things that we can do for someone else, but it’s what we all need. So let’s be the one!

Until next time.

* https://www.themarginalian.org/2024/08/19/winnicott-care-cure/